Thanks to Kevin for notifying me of this. From Metal-Archives.com:
Attention, people, be it pricks or oldies, homeless dicks or Hollywood stars, thrashers or nonthrashers! This is the Shroomie Control Center here, responding to the nonsensically ferocious jaws of praise that grabbed this album and don't let it go! I mean, yeah, I saw fine albums bashed by otherwise fine reviewers, and now I see the opposite thing! I guess that Hulk sniffed some glue and started this thrash band.
I am a fan of the ol' good Bay Area sound, and I don't have problems with humour in music or rawer production. "Then this album should have done the trick!" Noooo, go trick your nuts and hit 'em with a truck, it would give much better results than this album.
Round 1: Raw Production enters the ring, it looks pretty grizzly, it's trebly, it's razor-sharp, it's thrusting its fist towards you!!! But wait, what was that? Oh, no! Raw Production's arch nemesis, Tone Thinness, along with her older sister, Idiotically Thin Guitar Tone, jump in front of Raw Production! So exciting! What is happening right now? Raw Production is beaten to the ground and gangbanged by the two vile characters! What a manky mode to end such a promising fight and knock Raw Production values off!
Round 2: The Skvllfvcking Riffz Gang is hotter than ever! They promised us a masterful display of old-school techniques in order to determine the listeners to bang their heads and bite their tongues. Yes! YES!! The Skvllfvcking Riffz Gang succeeded in almost ripping off the beginning from Vio-Lence's Eternal Nightmare! So old-school, so refreshing, so invigorating! Now it's time for the Bonescrewing Dictator Of Rehashment And Radioactive Boredom to make its appearance! And he has a giant bazooka, omgz! The Gang won't give up, and they try to kick his sorry ass to pieces, but one shot from the Dictator's bazooka is enough to convert them to crappy, repetitive, bland riffs hopping all around the place! And there's the Dummy-Drummy Tiny Magician, trying to do his best in drumming and save the Gang from being lynched by the angry metalhead mob! Instead of grandiloquent, solid, relentless beating, he can only draw a slower than fast general tempo, a few farty "yo homey" breakdowns (a term coined by confrontational writer and thrash philosopher UltraBoris) and stinky cymbal sounds that make everything worse! Pathetic, indeed!
Round 3: The Almighty "Slick Dick Cuntpiercer" Lead Guitar! Oh, wait, he seldom burps a solo, each solo is standard, has been smoked before and will therefore be IGNORED.
Round 4: The Groaning Losertron gives his peak performance! What kind of question is "what performance", you goose? It's screaming! Screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming, only high-pitched screaming, no bleeding. Pointlessness blessed this guy with a nice set of funny lyrics and an even nicer set of lack of talent.
In a nutshell: Nocturnal Breed, Mastery et al. take the cake for serious thrash assaults! Lich King take the Manboobs Award for being so persuasive, so motivated and so... so... so... so... so covering those two awesome songs by ony veteran act and one incredibly awesome act! They should do only covers, it would be so much better. This album sounds just like a bunch of rehearsals with two excellent covers at the end: a hairy Nenderthal guy with two superb boobs. And this, my friends, is sad.
It got a 35%. Nice! Thanks Eugene from Romania. You're energetic, but you're not as good a writer as you think you are- tone back on the stuff you think is funny by being random and esoteric, because... not so much.
What with all the rave reviews being posted all over the universe, it's refreshing to come across someone that can't see that NM was the best album of the last 167 years. It's like reading a Mad Lib- a silly, fun escape from reality.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Friday, May 9, 2008
Toxic Zombie Onslaught might be up... eventually
Yeah, sorry about that earlier report that it might be up that night. Obviously that didn't happen. I'm still waiting on the vocals and there have been setbacks. Once I get the vocals I'm plugging them in and banging the file up to myspace immediately. Till then, I'm going to cease to hype... I won't say it's coming until it's up.
GTA IV update time.
So I went to the midnight opening and stood in line for about an hour to get my copy. All around me were large beef-fed college kids that looked like the type that would enjoy murdering people in a fantasy world, and I had a dark moment as I contemplated my place in the world. Then I got my copy and promptly got over it, leaving the mall at 12:45 AM.
I downed a deeeelicious Dunkin' Donuts vanilla chai and raced home, then began to play. I've played a lot since, and I've formed some solid opinions. Here they are.
• The main character is great- Niko Bellic is the series' first sympathetic protagonist. You feel for the guy and his situation. You get the ability to choose whether to kill or release some of your mission targets once you find them. Whenever I can I let them go. I'm no saint, I still like plowing through crowds of innocent people on the sidewalk.
• The vehicle handling bugged me at first- pressing the handbrake button makes you swerve and slide all over the road, and there's very little control over the cars. With practice I saw that it just takes finessing, and is that sloppy to make certain that going full speed is a very dangerous affair, to be used in extreme circumstances.
• The graphics are just amazing, especially the little details like the texture of the streets, the way your tires leave skid marks, and damage to cars like blood stains and everyday dents and gashes, maybe bullet holes, etc.
• The lack of fixed-wing aircraft is a sore spot for me. One of my favorite ways to get around in San Andreas was to take a plane to wherever I was heading and jump out overhead, parachuting down and enjoying the sight of an airline jet crashing in the middle of an intersection. It should be noted that the helicopters don't have parachutes either, so... no more skydiving, from what I can tell. That. Stinks.
• I've played the multiplayer a bit by now and I haven't played MUCH but I was almost bored by the action. You can free roam about the city with up to 15 other people, go on multiplayer mission massacres, have team battles, stuff like that. It's fun, but it's not... FUN. I may need to play more.
• No user music collection station. They had this in San Andreas and I used it all the time. It's a real shame, it seems like this would be a simple matter.
• Maybe it's just that I'm a country mouse, but being trapped in the city all the time is wearying and depressing. I liked being out in the countryside in San Andreas now and again, just launching myself off of cliffs at high speeds and dirt biking over rock formations.
• I'm greatly enjoying finding a gas station, standing in front of a pump and shooting it. When you die, you die in slow motion, so when the gas station explodes and you fly for two city blocks and collide into stationary objects it's realllllly fun to watch.
All in all, I'm enjoying the game greatly but it's not video game crack driving the chemicals of my brain. I don't quite understand the run of perfect reviews... that seems a bit much to me. It's a 9.4 out of 10, I'd say.
I downed a deeeelicious Dunkin' Donuts vanilla chai and raced home, then began to play. I've played a lot since, and I've formed some solid opinions. Here they are.
• The main character is great- Niko Bellic is the series' first sympathetic protagonist. You feel for the guy and his situation. You get the ability to choose whether to kill or release some of your mission targets once you find them. Whenever I can I let them go. I'm no saint, I still like plowing through crowds of innocent people on the sidewalk.
• The vehicle handling bugged me at first- pressing the handbrake button makes you swerve and slide all over the road, and there's very little control over the cars. With practice I saw that it just takes finessing, and is that sloppy to make certain that going full speed is a very dangerous affair, to be used in extreme circumstances.
• The graphics are just amazing, especially the little details like the texture of the streets, the way your tires leave skid marks, and damage to cars like blood stains and everyday dents and gashes, maybe bullet holes, etc.
• The lack of fixed-wing aircraft is a sore spot for me. One of my favorite ways to get around in San Andreas was to take a plane to wherever I was heading and jump out overhead, parachuting down and enjoying the sight of an airline jet crashing in the middle of an intersection. It should be noted that the helicopters don't have parachutes either, so... no more skydiving, from what I can tell. That. Stinks.
• I've played the multiplayer a bit by now and I haven't played MUCH but I was almost bored by the action. You can free roam about the city with up to 15 other people, go on multiplayer mission massacres, have team battles, stuff like that. It's fun, but it's not... FUN. I may need to play more.
• No user music collection station. They had this in San Andreas and I used it all the time. It's a real shame, it seems like this would be a simple matter.
• Maybe it's just that I'm a country mouse, but being trapped in the city all the time is wearying and depressing. I liked being out in the countryside in San Andreas now and again, just launching myself off of cliffs at high speeds and dirt biking over rock formations.
• I'm greatly enjoying finding a gas station, standing in front of a pump and shooting it. When you die, you die in slow motion, so when the gas station explodes and you fly for two city blocks and collide into stationary objects it's realllllly fun to watch.
All in all, I'm enjoying the game greatly but it's not video game crack driving the chemicals of my brain. I don't quite understand the run of perfect reviews... that seems a bit much to me. It's a 9.4 out of 10, I'd say.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Toxic Zombie Onslaught might be up tonight
That's right, the forthcoming classic song that I've been hyping for MONTHS finally has its vocals recorded, and I've been told that I'll have them in my hands as early as this afternoon. T.Z.O. could be smashing your ears into your skull tonight.
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